Why ?

I watched a program on Quentin Crisp last night, he had so many answers, died alone, but won't we all? Something that biffed me - we can love but it's best to expect nothing in return, unrequited love it seems is de rigeur, no the only thing that can get one through without heart ache or behemoth disappointment is to have no expectations of anyone. Our happiness is reliant on nobody but ourselves. It makes me uneasy, I yearn for the love of someone, both the warm physicality of love and the kaleidoscope of emotions that travel with love. I long to be sucked into its eddy of blissfulness... the path to a zen me is yet agonizingly out of reach ...

Brunei, the abyss and later....

In January 1983, I left with nothing, on the first flight out of Brunei - it had to be first class, the only seats available and leaving was mandatory. Alexander , all of nine years, remained silent all the way to the airport and unfortunately or perhaps not, Erika my four year old slept. To her horror, I imagine, when she finally awoke, her mummy was gone, not to be seen again for another three months.

There were so many facets to it all, a kaleidoscope of emotions, people, situations, colours, blame, shame, guilt, remorse, remorselessness selfishness, indulgence, hedonism - all self destructive and all finally culminating in unbearable pain.
There were lovers, the booze, fornication, over there and back home - and endless churn of addled alcoholic numbness, possibly to stop my heart from aching, breaking - all the hurt caused and the anger leashed ...all for what ? I rejected every single soul that was dear to me, ravaged them and threw them on a heap ...for what ?I have never come to understand why.

Back in Australia, one of my sisterinlaws visited me only months after losing her two youngest,only teenagers, in a traffic accident. Nan told me that my two would never hitchhike home to see me on Mother's Day, because I didn't care. It wrenched me out of my antipathy, my self pity. It trumpeted at me. It was a foghorn awakening me to the reality of my children and the horrendous grief to come if I didn't change. - I would lose them. She was an angel sent to save me. God has ways. Nan was so strong. I couldn't bear to live in her circumstances.

I grew to adore my children. Alexander was sitting on the stairs one day, his face painted for the Boy George concert, he looked down at me and said "Mummy you've changed." I asked "How?" - and he replied "You care now."

While I write, I still cannot fathom why I spent four years in this turmoil, driven to smashing everything that really mattered, that matters. I have always been open with my children since, have told them all. Sometimes they had observed my indiscretions at first hand. They have forgiven me and they love me. Somehow through all that mess they managed to grow into beautiful adults full of compassion and integrity.